A vice for a vice
So I took some time to reflect and to review my interaction with drinking. What I came to realize is two (2) things; first is I don’t have an off switch and second is that somehow, somehow, alcohol became my personality.
When I say I don’t have an off switch, I mean that I have one drink and think I am ok for a second and then a third, and then I keep going until I am passed out in bed and waking up the next day. That is not a healthy way to “enjoy” alcohol but sadly that was the way that I "enjoyed" it. Too many mornings I woke up and found that I consumed 2-3 bottles of wine alone. I remember waking up and wanting to blame my partner for drinking a multi-hundreds bottle of wine that I was saving for passing my Level 3 exams, but I couldn’t because I opened it when I was two (2) bottles in and didn’t remember (nor cared apparently).
As far as it being my personality, well I was more open and “fun” when I was drunk. I wasn’t as reserved and shy. I let loose and didn’t care if people said things about me acting stupid. When I am sober, I say I don’t care - and I really don’t - but my subconscious does and I am less likely to do something more whimsy. That is going to be a mountain I have to summit and truly stop holding back. I really and truly do not care what people think of me because I know those that love me and are a part of my life don’t care what dumb things I do, hell they will be by my side laughing with me.
Will I say I have an addiction, no. I have stopped drinking before for months at a time and I know that this journey will be successful, maybe with some stumbles, but successful. I would consider my relationship with alcohol as me using it as a vice to cope with different things. When one gives up a vice the brain wants to (needs to) replace that vice with a new one to try and get the same sense of dopamine hit.
What is going to be my replacement vice? That is a great question and that is something we will explore together on here. I enjoy cooking, A LOT! Maybe cooking. Maybe I will get back to some of my older hobbies like SCUBA and Photography (maybe merge the two). Maybe I will try new hobbies like crochet or lego builds. Maybe it is a mix of all since I will be opening that time, and ultimately having more energy because I won't be intoxicating my body.
I can’t wait to see what I discover about myself.
-A
